7 Ingredients to developing trustworthy relationships

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You're listening to the shiftwork Podcast, episode three, the subject of trust is a doozy. The thought alone brings up all kinds of emotions and responses. In this episode, we discuss our emotional bank accounts and how often we overdraw them. I discussed the price for breaking the faith with my daughter and his seven ingredients to developing trustworthy relationships. So stay tuned. Hi, I'm Luke layman.

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And you're listening to the only podcast for high growth entrepreneurs rooted in business strategy and tactics as we discover the habits of high performance leaders and dive deep into brain science. With over two decades leading high performance teams, from fighter pilot to CEO, I'm excited to join you in your entrepreneurial journey. shift the mindset needed to build your empire keep more money in your pocket and enjoy every day of the journey.

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Welcome to shiftwork.

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Have you ever considered what it's like to overdraw your financial accounts the same as it is to overdraw your emotional accounts? Do you even know when you overdraw your emotional accounts? You may or may not already know. But the overdraw of your emotional accounts has the same adverse impacts as it does when you overdraw your financial accounts. And I can tell you that you don't want to be the one overdrawn your financial accounts any more than you want to overdraw your emotional accounts. But I don't think you need to hear that from me. In this episode, we're going to discover what it looks like to overdraw from those emotional accounts, how do we replenish them, and what the cost of those overdraws AR. But before we get into it, let's take a look at how I do it in my own life. We used to have this thing called a puff ball jar. It was the way that we would reward our kids for good behavior. Let's not get around. It was bribery. For all intents and purposes, it was our way of telling them that there was a behavior that we enjoyed from them. And it was methodical the way that we would give them these puff balls, the puff ball jar was rather small. And in that puff ball jar, it had different lines so that you didn't have to fill all the thing up the line was tattooed around the side of it with a grease pencil. And my daughter and son would get a puff ball when they were kind to each other. When they do acts of service for each other. They would clean up the house, whatever it was, but inside that puff ball jar, it was a two way street. And the kicker of the puff ball jar was that if you did things that were bad, we would take the puff ball away.

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It was like a debit or a credit into the puffball jar. And it became this motivator for the children to be able to act appropriately to get inputs into their football journey. At the end of it they got a prize. When they fill it up to the first line, they get an ice cream treat the second line, they would get some type of little toy. And then the third line that was actually something that they would get a toy. I don't remember what we did specifically. But what's interesting about that, in our business life, it's easy to see those parallels about how we put those puffballs into our own jar. We get business wins, we get new contracts, we get new customers, we hire new employees, we have banner years, and is easy to see how those puffball jar contributions that we make inside our own life into our own businesses. When we get to the top we get to reap those benefits and rewards, is it not?

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It's easy to see how we do that.

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But what about in the emotional components of our lives? What about those intangible things that you can't figure out where you're making the contributions and where you're making the withdrawals? You might have noticed in your life that there are specific times and circumstances where you can tell that you're making the withdrawals, but you don't exactly know that the account is overdrawn. You might have seen that your relationships begin to falter that your employees become frustrated, disenchanted, seem to lose their accountability and enthusiasm as they go along the way. It's these overdraws that get us into this perpetual state of frustration inside our business.

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And today we're going to discover a couple of things that we can do about it. And I'm excited to get into a conversation about trust. And the episode of Brene Brown's recent podcast and I'll tag it up in the show notes that talks about trust gives an incredible definition where she discusses braving as her definition of trust. And we're gonna get that to the end, where I give you the seven ingredients to developing trustworthy relationships. It's good for your family. It's good for your spouse, your children, your co workers, your friends, and it's an impeccable way to make more contributions to the puffball jar. Then you make withdrawals inside your own life. The good news is that most entrepreneurs are financially sound enough to not overdraw their financial accounts, but we're not savvy enough necessary airily, to be able to not overdraw our emotional accounts.

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And you don't have to take my word for it. But these emotional accounts exist everywhere employees, co workers, friends, spouses, children, they all exist. The problem is that most entrepreneurs are wired to think analytically, we solve the majority of our problems using our left brain. And it's not your fault. The entirety of the education system is designed specifically for you to be left brain minded. We have tests, quizzes, homework assignments, it's all about how we process nobody actually ever talks about right brain. Think about that any of your teachers in elementary middle high school ever asked you how you felt about taking the test, some folks would have told you that there was an immense amount of stress surrounding just the test taking, perhaps they could have even changed the method that they would have given the test, if we would have been given a practical application, where I could demonstrate to you that I knew how to do the thing that you were asking for. But just the idea of filling in a scantron, filling in a bubble doing an open ended equation, writing an essay, just the thought alone was enough to become torturous for us, some folks not so much. Matter of fact, for most high performers, we probably found that we were actually quite good at taking tests. But the entirety of our education system has told us to make our decisions rationally, logically. And that is just not the way high performers operate.

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I can think back to a time specifically in the airplane, where I was responding to a situation where the person on the ground was very charged, the emotions were high, the voices were exacerbated, all of his actions seemed to have laborious consequences. But when I showed up, what he didn't need was he didn't need another left brain.

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What he needed was a right brain as well, he needed an attack pilot with an emotional component that was going to be able to come in and think critically, but also offer the emotional support and that emotional support, the calming nature with which I spoke, the ability to think positively about the outcome that was coming to him was what likely changed the circumstances surrounding his life that day, because I gave him more right brain, the left brain, can you imagine what it would have been like if someone in high school or elementary school middle school would have taught you what it meant to be emotionally connected to someone how to measure trust, how to analytically and critically apply skills and processes, but to also be aware of the emotional impact that you're having. Our brains have been conditioned over 1000s of years, and it's quite difficult to overcome those evolutionary components in one lifetime. The brain is a product of generations coming before you.

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And as we begin to think through the components of the way that we can become better entrepreneurs, it's less about the way that we can solve problems, and more about the way that we can emotionally connect to those around us. I'm not necessarily going to war on school, I think the school has a lot of very redeeming concepts.

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Matter of fact, the model of which they approach the learning continuum is a great model, it has been refined as well. What I am advocating for as entrepreneurs is that we make a concerted effort to be able to put our right brain in place as well. So what does it look like when you overdraw an emotional account? In your finance is easy. You get notifications that go off all the time bells whistles, you get text messages, emails, probably even a phone call that tells you that you've overdrawn your checking account.

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But what about in your personal life? Is your spouse tell you that they've been overdrawn, they might tell you when they've become frustrated enough that they've had enough with it. But that's probably when the overdraw has happened so far, deep down, that is almost irreparable. You can't put five bucks back in and get some type of remedy for that overdraw. You certainly see it in your children in the form of frustration, anger, disappointments, and sometimes even tears. They let you know, definitely more than most of your adult peers do. And our checking accounts are no different than the emotional counts for all the people that we have in our lives. If you make daily deposits, there will always be enough currency available when you need to make a withdrawal. So how do we do that? How do we put enough emotional conductivity into our relationships? This is not things that entrepreneurs often think about. Are you feeding your employees? Are you feeding your vendors? Are you feeding your customers with the emotional connectivity they need? We already know that people make decisions emotionally. We know that people think logically but they decide emotionally. It's this decision matrix that we want to feed so that when we come to ask for the sell, that we've already had the inputs that we've given the emotional conductivity that we needed, that we can now take the withdrawal from, we've built them up, we've taken all the time that we needed to be able to put the deposits in. When I asked my employees to work along night, work over the weekend, when they get a phone call at Saturday afternoon, at four o'clock, asking them to finish a proposal, or to submit a, quote, make a phone call, do a customer service engagement. When I take that out, I need them to know that they've been able to have enough input into those emotional checking accounts that it's time for me to take the withdrawal, I want to tell you about a price that I paid for breaking the faith. And the easiest way that I can do that is to articulate it with a relationship with my daughter, because I can see it easily.

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Because I have the responsibility. Because I have the obligation to care for all components of her well being it's easy for me to see when I've taken it too far. In the balance as an entrepreneur and parent can be tough, if you let it be. Trust is often a hard thing to come by. It is slowly given and quickly taken away. I often ask what to take from people to be able to regain the trust, once someone's violated it. The answer, almost always the same. Very few people say sure once trust is violated, I'm willingly able to give that trust back to someone else.

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Instead, when that trust is violated, it's almost always a one way street. But can you imagine a time that you willingly gave someone that trust back, I'm wondering if it's even possible. I'm wondering if we even know as entrepreneurs how to forgive as freely as we would like to. I find in my own business relationships, that trust is a little easier to sustain than my own relationships at home, perhaps largely in part because the boundaries are more clearly drawn. And also in large part to the fact that I give so much of my time and energy to my entrepreneurial endeavors. I think critically every day about the decisions, I make the words that I say knowing that my employees oftentimes hang on my every word. But I confess that I don't do that as methodically with my children. And this is where I got ahead of myself. The hardest trust to keep is that of my children. And it's oftentimes because I don't know how much I'm violating it. I don't know, in this trust component where I'm overdrawing these relationships, my children oftentimes are forgiving a little bit. Don't let me get away with these violations or these withdrawals. And sometimes they don't. In this case, I was reminded of it and oftentimes are reminded of it when someone says Dad remember that time, every time it starts. Remember that time it is almost inevitably followed by something I said I would do and didn't you remember that time you said you take us to the baseball game? Do you remember that time that you said you would take us to the movies, you remember that time you name it? Ice cream, sitting on the couch watching a movie, in this case was no different.

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Over the holidays, I made a micro commitment to my daughter that I would help her build a Makerspace in the garage. And for those of you that don't know what a makerspace is, I guess it came from the elementary school.

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Simply put a makerspace was a collection of toilet roll papers and markers and cereal boxes that they put together. And they came up with these concoctions.

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And my daughter had decided that she too wanted to have a makerspace this one, in her wild imagination had wood and screws and tools likely was just my tool chest that she was going to now own. And in my zeal over the holidays, I certainly made the commitment that I would do that with her that we would clear out some space inside the garage that we would make the opportunity for us to connect together. And she had an idea of what that would entail, and certainly what my role would be in creating that with her. When she asked if we could work on it together. I gave her an enthusiastic of course, but with no commitment to actually do. So you see, all too often we make commitments in our lives where we say that we'll do something but we don't actually commit to a plan to do it, write it down in a planner, put it on a calendar. The habits of high performers involve consistent follow up that follow up that consistency. The actions that continually say that we're reliable, and we're trustworthy are what builds those puffball jars in our relationships. So when she asked if we could work on it, and I gave her that enthusiastic, of course, and I didn't follow through I broke the trust. The vacation continued. The Holidays ensued, lots of things to do activities, dinners, making baked goods, working on my business, there was always something else that took a priority But the difference in my communication and her expectation was that there was an implication that I said, when I have time for it.

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So by saying, of course, I should have said, of course, comma when I have time for it, because you see, in her mind, what I was doing was making a commitment and a promise that I was going to be truthful and reliable. But in my neglectful mind, or potentially just an incomplete prioritization, I failed to make the time and space to start the project with her, we didn't even go downstairs, we didn't open the garage to be able to open the space up to be able to create the MakerSpace. And towards the end of the holiday season, she said, Remember that time you said we could create a makerspace.

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And then you didn't do it, man, that cut right through the air and hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks, not because I didn't have the best of intentions, not because I was intentionally breaking the faith with her. Not because I didn't want it not because I didn't truly want to build that thing with her and connect with her.

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It's because I just didn't make the prioritization. And in this case, I took a puff ball out, I broke the faith with her, I broke the trust with her. And I didn't fulfill on the actions that I'd made the commitment to do. So I'd like to thank the universe for this little reminder about commitment and trust through the eyes of a child. But I would ask you, what's one commitment that you know, you need to be accountable to? What is something that you say that you're going to do? And then you don't do? Oftentimes entrepreneurs violate our own trust, which we're going to get into here in just a second. We say that we're going to do something for ourselves. And then we fail to do that. We'll keep our commitments other people will make sure that we make time for our employees, our vendors, our customers, our spouse, our children. But what about our own integrity? What about our own trust? Can you trust yourself when you say that you're going to do something?

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Depending on when you're listening to this? And what part of the year it is? Did you make a new year's resolutions? Which I completely don't subscribe to?

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Did you set a goal and outcome and objective? Have you made a commitment that you're going to be more present with your spouse and you're not doing so? You see, accountability and responsibility is often the first and foremost way that we can trust ourselves? But how can you be trustworthy to someone else? If you're not first trustworthy to yourself? When you make a commitment to say that I'm going to do 20, push ups, I'm going to eat healthier?

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I'm going to do more prospecting, I'm going to live a better year, take more vacations, do you do it? Do you hold yourself accountable? Do you establish the trust of yourself that you're then able to apply to others. All too often, I confess that I don't.

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The one that gets the least attention is often me, when I actually slow down to read a book, take a walk, turn the music off, get quiet. That's the thing that comes last. When I find that I'm in integrity, and that I'm holding myself to account and I'm being more responsible for the things that I need to be responsible for, I find that I'm a better human being. When I fill my own puffball jar up, then I can then take the actions to fill those of others up. There are seven critical ingredients to developing trustworthy relationships. But I didn't come up with this. The acronym braving came from Brene Brown.

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And I think that she's done a phenomenal job. And like I said, I'll link it up in the show notes so that you can listen to her version of it because she gives such an articulate and eloquent way of describing these facets of trust. I'm fascinated with not only her work, but her discussions on this subject. And she didn't necessarily apply this to the entrepreneurial world as I will. She's applying it in life in general. And in my own reflections of life and business, I took an aim at where most entrepreneurs including me fail at developing relationships with employees, customers, teammates, family everywhere in my life, I need to be cognizant of what deposits I'm making into those emotional checking accounts. Am I giving more than I'm taking? In a perfect world, I would love to be able to fill those jars up all around me and never asked. I would love to be able to give my customers all they ever wanted without asking for something in return. But that's just not how it works.

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The commodity that we exchange is the dollar. We have just come up with this expectation that the currency that we exchange is the dollar. But if I give more than I expect to receive, I can fill them up and I can guarantee you you do not have to take my word for it. That if you fill those jars up that you will find more loyal customers than you know what to do with. If you actually just check in on them.

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Ask them how they're feeling.

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and ask them the problems they are experiencing. Ask them what challenges they're facing what they're excited about. If you think forward and dream into the future with them, it's easy to see how that deposit into the emotional checking account is going to bear fruit for you in the future. If not, you probably already know that making those deposits is critical for your own business development. But do you take action on it? As we look at the braving acronym, I found just an immense amount of clarity with the way that Brene described it. The B stands for boundaries, having a firm start and stop point for what I am willing to entertain in my own life, and what you can expect from me. By setting my own boundaries, I make it easy for those around me to have an understanding of what trust looks like for me. They know how to earn my trust. They know how to receive my trust, they know how to give me trust, boundaries are a hard thing for entrepreneurs. And believe me, I've been there, I know what it feels like I've been there right beside you. When you don't have clear boundaries, you are violating the trust of all around you. The most recent example I can think through a few years ago, violating that trust by not having clear boundaries was sitting at the dinner table with my wife looking at my phone, pretending like I was halfway present to the dinner conversations that she was giving me. But in all actuality or all practicality, what I was really doing was planning for the work day ahead.

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And I was violating that trust, because I didn't create the boundaries in my work environment. I brought it home, I took it to the dinner table, what my wife really wanted that trust input that I would have given her the puffball that I could have put into her jar was simply turning my phone off, at least turn it upside down, put it on the charger for a little while be present. By establishing those boundaries, we're able to make those inputs and establish the trust of those around us. And I think back in my own entrepreneurial life with my employees as well, by letting them know when I'm available.

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And when I am not. They are then able to see what the outcomes they can expect from me. And those healthy boundaries are what create the relationships.

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You see, it's not a matter of being constantly available.

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Instead, it's a matter of being reliable. And by having those healthy boundaries a good for instance for you is I'm not available to my team before nine o'clock. Why? Because I reserved that space. For me, that's the creative space. That's the time for me to gain clarity. That's the time for me to go through my morning routine. And then when I show up as available at 9am.

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They then know that I'm ready for the day I'm ready to receive. And I can put down the other things put aside those other things. My children have been fed, they're at school, my wife has been engaged. I've had a cup of coffee, so I'm a better human being I've likely had a workout. And those boundaries are what's going to create the environment that makes me more successful. The same thing goes for the end of the day. At the end of the day, there is a stop.

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There is a period when I say that I've done enough. Enough is such a powerful word. As a matter of fact, it's probably the most powerful word that you can say as an entrepreneur. When have you done enough? When can you put the pen down, stop answering emails go to sleep be done. I often wore an empty inbox, like a badge of honor.

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But that badge of honor came at a ridiculous cost. As an early entrepreneur, I remember sitting on the couch with my wife pretending like I was being present watching a show. But instead I had my laptop in my lap. And it was that violation of that boundary for her that broke the trust. But more importantly, it wasn't her trust.

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It was my own trust. Did I actually have the ability to turn it off? Could I turn my brain off from the things that it needed to stop focusing on to make room for the person that needed me to be there? Which brings me to the second point that Brene makes about the our reliability? I can only trust you. If you do what you say you do. That's an easy one. But there's the other side of it in turn, I will give you the same level of mutual respect. You can count on me to do what I say that I will because I am reliable. If I say that I'll make time for dinner. If I say that I'll make time for date night. If I say that Saturday mornings are for the kids and there will be no work Am I reliable? Do I do what I say that I'll do and you go back to the relationship. In the example with my daughter did I do Who when I said that I would do? Of course not, I said that I would make the MakerSpace. And I wasn't reliable for her. It happens in business as well, we say that will be available for the proposal that will make more sales calls that will make time for the employees, that employee of the quarter months will come out next quarter that bonuses will come out next quarter, when we can just do a little bit better. Entrepreneurs oftentimes put this association with future success as their metric of when they'll be reliable. And that is a broken model. Can you imagine if you only ever put things out into the future, if only I could have this, then I would do that.

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If only I could have three more employees, then I would take the time off for a vacation. If I only had another $100,000 of revenue, then I would hire the next employee. If I only had more inventory. If I only had more customers, more vendors more whatever, then I would spend 15 minutes on myself, exercise every day. This reliability goes back to our ability to be reliable to ourselves. So if I can trust what you say you will do, and you trust what I say I will do, then we can have reliability, and establish that trust, but you must first be reliable to yourself. The third, the a the accountability, I can only trust you, if when I make a mistake, you allow me to be accountable for my actions. And when you make a mistake, I hold you accountable in a way that calls out the action and not the person who eek accountability.

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Accountability is a hard one because we say things like you are when I use statements, superlative statements that take it all the way to the top to the identity level that say you are not that I'm disappointed them in a behavior, or I'm disappointed an outcome or a result. When I take it all the way to the identity, I break the accountability. I could think of it in my own life, that I wouldn't dream of saying and if I were to say, You are a bad mother, you are a bad child.

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That's what triggers people into these responsibilities. And that's where the trust gets broken down is that if I'm forcing you to take responsibility, accountability for being a bad child, bad employee, we do it all the time.

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When we say things like you are being we're taking it to the identity level, we're saying you are being irresponsible, unaccountable, untrustworthy, there's a much nicer way of doing that. When we move down the levels, and we get from the identity level to the values, behaviors, beliefs, capabilities, and we take it all the way down to the environment, if I focus on holding you accountable for the action, and not the person, now we can begin to establish trust. So accountability is important. How do you pick your words with your employees? How do you decide when they need to be accountable, I'm disappointed that you didn't get X to me on time is different than saying you are not able to get X to me on time, you are clearly unreliable, being specific about the accountability and the word choices and peccable. It's the way that we hold ourselves accountable, and show others that we can be accountable to them while asking accountability of us. The next, the fourth, the vault, This folks is what people violate, all the time, what I share with you, you will hold in confidence. And that's easy, right? I can tell you that it's easy. But when we look into environment, we see that people don't do this. And I'm wondering if you'll be curious with yourself about where you're holding things into the vault.

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Are you trustworthy enough? You might have noticed that people oftentimes will say that they're able to hold a secret. But what little things do they do that violates this vault, the second piece of it, after I say what I share with you, you will hold in confidence. The second piece is what you share with me, I will hold in confidence. But where do we violate that? The number one place that we violate this is gossip. So and So told me, I heard this industry trend, this business is going out of business, so and so is going to happen that we gossip. And when we do that we're violating the trust. And we're showing people around us that I am not trustworthy because my vault is not secure. In the defense world. The Vault is a closed door. It's sealed, it's metallic. You can't get in and it's got multiple barriers for entry. But what about in your own life? Is the vault secure?

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If I tell you something, will you hold it in confidence?

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Because that's my expectation and in turn do I offer that to you? Do I build you up and give you the trust that I will hold it in confidence? I've got a good friend of mine who I love dearly But he has the loosest lips in town, and they will sink all the chips, he will tell everything. And even when I need him to hold something in confidence, I have to say no, listen, specifically, this is the thing that I don't want you to tell. And if you tell it, I know that you'll be the person that has shared it, because you're the only person that I'm sharing this with, will you hold it in the vault? If you find yourself giving these third party shout outs? Here's the pieces of information that I know. The hard part about this is that people want to share information, they want to show other people what they know. But when you do so, are you breaking the trust? Are you violating that premise that would have given someone else the opportunity to know that you can trust them? Which brings us to the AI integrity. Brene gives a beautiful definition that defines integrity as courage over comfort, choosing what's right over what's fun, fast, easy, and practicing your values, not just professing your values. Man, that's a hard one.

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It's choosing courage over comfort. Choosing what's right over what's fun, fast, easy, and practicing your values, not just professing your values. If you say that your family is the highest priority for you, are you professing your values or just practicing your values? Do you put the boundaries in place to put the phone down at the dinner table? Do you make time for the kids for the MakerSpace?

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Do you show up to meetings on time? Are you in integrity? Are you in integrity with yourself?

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Do you have the integrity to do what you say that you're going to do when you say that you're going to do it? The end is for non judgement, you can fall apart, and I can fall apart without being judged. This is one of the hardest things for us to realize. Non judgement is something that's almost impossible for all the entrepreneurs that I see in my life. Non judgment means that you can show your emotions without the fear of what someone is going to say about you. You see, judgment is a tough thing.

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When we think about trust. A lot of us as entrepreneurs want to be fixers. You want to be viewed as the type of parent, husband, employer that you can go out and fix problems that you are reliable. And we love doing that we love when people show up and they give us the juiciest of things that we can solve for them. Oftentimes, it's because problems seem insignificant to us. And our efforts can solve problems that may be significant to someone else. But non judgement doesn't just mean that someone can come to you and give you the hardest problems. It means in turn that you'll give them your hardest problems. And that one stung for me, because I don't give you see the trust component is giving other people the opportunity to fix the things for you as well. In my life, and in my marriage, I don't give that trust to my wife. There was a time when I said that I wasn't comfortable crying in front of her. Why?

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Where did that come from?

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What made me believe that I couldn't cry in front of my wife, what made me believe that I would have an expectation for her to have the comfort and the trust and the ability to cry in front of me. But I wouldn't give that in return. That non judgment means that I can fall apart, that I can show you when I'm having a bad day, I can give you the hard parts, I can tell you that I'm not sure about the trajectory that we're on. I can tell you that I'm not confident in closing a deal. I can tell you that I'm saddened by the loss of an employee, I can share sadness and grief with you. Can you do that? If one of your employees loses a significant other? Can you truly empathize with them? Can you show them the non judgment in which you're willing to shed a tear with them. And the last component is generosity. Giving Grace generously. Assuming that someone means the best. You'll often hear me say no one ever wakes up and says today I'm going to make a mistake yet we all do. And I am the king of that. I make mistakes constantly. It's an effort to not make them consistently to not do the same things again, but I do them all the time I get in the car and I don't put my seatbelt on I run a stop sign as I roll through it. I show up one minute late to a meeting. I make mistakes constantly. But do you give the grace to assume that someone else is doing the right things at the right time? That they mean the best that they take the opportunity to show up to work today and mean the best because all too often in our lives we assumed someone is doing something maliciously. And we certainly don't give the grace and the generosity to allow them to make the mistakes in front of us. These are hard ones, braving boundaries, reliability, accountability, Vault integrity, non judgment, generosity, where in your life, are you in violation of the trust? Are you trustworthy? Are you able to be trusted by those around you? I know that I do my best for it. But there's a couple of those that I'm really in violation of. And I have to make a concerted effort to be able to be trustworthy, not only for those around me, but to be trustworthy of myself. The biggest takeaway for me is that I can fall apart without being judged. And showing those emotions and feelings to those around me is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength. It's a sign of connection, and it is what builds trust with those around us. And with these concepts in mind, and a more clear view of how I can keep and establish trust with those that needed the most from me. The sky is truly the limit

7 Ingredients to developing trustworthy relationships | Ep3

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